here today

 

where are you going with your wild & precious life?

ben always makes a toast when we have parties.  he stands up and clinks his glass and says something sweet that makes people laugh.  and while I love an audience boy do I love an audience, I get oddly shy when faced with the pressures of a toast.  At our last fourth of july party, Ben remembered to toast with a moment of silence for the troops and we crazy liberals each of us hating this war we did it because the truth is they need our prayers.  At our wedding, ben spoke for us while I blushed red next to the ivory silk facing my friends my family so happy to be holding this boy's hand and listening to him thank everyone for being there each person chosen so carefully no extras at our little ceremony.

If I were to toast all of you - you anonymous motime peeps - If I were to practice my toasting skills here in this blog - I would say "to honesty, humor, words & community.  thank you for writing and thank you for reading.  and let's remember to ask ourselves -----

where are you going with your wild & precious life? 

 

Posted by: 120pages at 11:20 | link | comments (5) |

the girl from L.A.

The girl from L.A. had long blond hair tight jeans.  she told a story about the DJ she dates and the story ended with her naked in a bathroom.  We all laughed but the girl from L.A. scared me a little sitting on my porch drinking mojitos talking all about her wild life while the blues bands played in the park across the street.

Good in the Hood it used to be called but now it's Good In the Neighborhood.  Now that more white people live on our streets maybe.  I don't know why the name change but we have a view from our house on the hill overlooking the park we could hear the bands play soul jazz r&b while my neighbors mixed and mingled and laughed we sat and listened to the music as background to the stories that the LA girl brought with her.

I used to know her back in the day.  I used to know her when I was a little crazy myself dancing with vodka in one hand and a boy in the other.  The girl from LA saw my garden my funny little park across the street my house with tilted floors my below the knee skirt and when she said we must go out I Want To Get Laid In This Town I put on heels and went with them.  I put on heels and dark lipstick tried to remember how it was before I met ben before when I would get a little crazy myself we called it RAGeing. We always said it with a bad french accent and RAHG-ing always meant a hangover the next day.

I put on heels to prove something to the girl from LA who i don't even like there's a sad meanness to her that makes me want to keep one thousand miles and another lifetime between us. 

I put on heels and lipstick went out and the next day had a hangover to prove it all happened.  The girl from LA went home while I picked up the napkins the empty sticky glasses bits of mint floating in them and sat on my porch in my jammies one arm around Lu while the guys in the park across the street broke down the stage folded the chairs.  Lu and I sat and waited for Ben to get back from his rafting trip and while we waited the men across the street played an old Marvin Gaye cd.  I smiled because Ben wanted Let's Get It On to be the song that we kissed to at our wedding just a year ago.  Let's Get It ONNNN>  He thought it would be funny. 

Good in the Hood. 

Posted by: 120pages at 13:04 | link | comments (1) |

jennifer

jennifer has bottles on her shelves with chinese characters on them and dark liquid.  jennifer said we would just try the needles and that they are very small and that it was O.K. if I couldn't handle it there are other ways she said calmly because everything she does everything she says is calm.  If I were not with Ben and I am with Ben even though he is In The Dog House right now about grad school and I'm really looking foward to the weekend alone while he goes rafting with the boys.  If I weren't with Ben I would certainly try to take Jennifer home with me. 

We did try the needles.  Jennifer and I tried the needles only four of them but it turns out that was Four Too Many. 

I am not taking pills anymore for my migraines.  I will not do it and so two weeks ago that meant that I couldn't go out to Ben's show at Jimmy Mak's where he played the tunes he wrote that sound like something we both heard at church growing up.  Ben's granddad not grandfather - no, this one was a granddad - he was a preacher and that music has seeped in and mixed around with some soul funk jazz sounds and oh boy the songs that Ben wrote make me smile.  So pretty and he would hate to hear me call them pretty but they are.  They are melodies played by ben sweetly on his alto sax and that guitar man with his gorgeous solos so much heart there ben and the guitar man his name is Danny they play and I love to listen.  But I missed the second outing the one at Jimmy Mak's the one that Ben cared most about I missed it because I won't take the migraine pills anymore they make me stupid and they make me feel not like myself and pain is finally better than being so lost. 

I won't take the pills anymore and so I'm seeing Jennifer and she made a tincture and I take it three times a day most days and jennifer says that as long as I do it most of the time, say two thirds of the time which is two times a day then it will do me good. 

We tried the needles and even though they are very small and on the whole I can be very brave I couldn't do it again.  Next time it would have been twelve needles and that is a ridiculous number.  Jennifer said and she smiled when she said it that we will do it more slowly but that if I'm patient and I take the tincture and she rubs my neck my head my toes (my toes?) I will get better and I maybe someday won't miss ben playing his granddad the preacher man's music.

the day I got my acceptance letter that I knew would come and will change my life ben's life lucy's life and send me flying up and down the coast nine times a year that day I got a migraine and couldn't celebrate couldn't drink the champagne couldn't do anything but call jennifer and say yeah.  let's give it a go.

Jennifer.

Posted by: 120pages at 16:18 | link | comments |

I do like an Out.

There is a party on friday and me being me I will go and me being me I will leave early or stay late depending on the wine.  I was given an Out and I appreciate a good Out, handed to me gracefully by the hostess my charming mermaid friend who is there if I need to Talk or there if I need to go into the cave for a bit. safe in the darkness you know.

had such an odd dream involving a large robot, rescuing Ben, hiding in a futuristic apartment for a year until all was clear (see, the bad guys, they were after Ben and I had set up this apartment to be a safe house - set it up years ago in a very organized and satisfyingly virgo South Node way - I mean you would not believe the systems I had constructed for controlling the flow of mail & fresh produce) and so on.  I also shot at children during one of the chase scenes while reassuring ben that they weren't really children, just a mirage. 

I'm not sure that was true.  But he believed me.

Me being me I will go to the party and leave or stay.  Ben being Ben he will go to the party and like everyone and they will like him and for one night we will be on the same team though since LA we have been warily circling each other wondering why our jerseys match when we are headed such different places. 

I am worn out from my dream of robots and rescues and the safe house.  what does it mean?  Why we were running?  Why so many canned goods? 

And I am worn out from all the rest of it.  But me being me I will go to the party and me being me Ben will say something and I will laugh and soon enough we'll be us again. 

soon enough.

Posted by: 120pages at 05:45 | link | comments (4) |