here today

 

so much better

a week later I am so much better. bruises everywhere - including my Tail.Bone. which means that 3 days of classes saw me in the back of the room, pacing, or leaning in my chair, or even on the floor. lucky for me, my profs are all psychologists and love to encourage us to "find our own learning style". and so I did that. today is my Birthday and so even though it hurts to sit, I am a happy girl.

Posted by: 120pages at 12:12 | link | comments (3) |

dichotomy

monday night I came home to a letter from my school denying my petition to work with my old therapist. damn them. monday night I read the letter while stepping down to the back door to let Lu out to romp while I changed into my running gear. monday night while holding the letter from my school the letter denying my petition i stepped the wrong way, flew up and then fell. on concrete.



and here is where it turns into a story of good news bad news.



monday night I fell on the stairs and landed so hard on my back that I couldn't breathe couldn't walk couldn't talk couldn't get up. I landed so hard that Lu backed away from me barking and scared. I landed so hard I thought I had broken a rib maybe punctured my lung maybe paralyzed for life.



the good news is none of that happened.



the bad news is that I can't breathe without pain and I fly down to CA for the weekend tomorrow and I'm off the meds so I can toughen up for the journey. the bad news is I feel very human and fragile. the bad news is there is no way to avoid falling in life. I can mostly avoid guns, warfare, psychopaths, drunk drivers, my mom on a mean day but I can't avoid stairs.



the good news is nothing broke, fractured, punctured. An inch either way said the nice man in the ER - an inch either way and I wouldn't be writing this post. the good news is I have health insurance and Ben who was late for his rehearsal holding my hand, calling my parents, filling out forms.



the bad news is I can't see into the future or I wouldn't have taken that last step.
the good news is I'm better already here at work reading motime. hooray.


talk soon,

me.

Posted by: 120pages at 11:52 | link | comments (4) |

i did it.

I did it because I am me and that is the only way for me to be. I ran and I ran I even went up the stairs on 20th I love those stairs I'm always breathless at the top of them they might be at a ninety degree angle those stairs. I ran on my knee my broken knee and It was Wonderful.



I did it because I am me and I couldn't stand not calling one more time. I called you and then I emailed you and I said good-bye but I did it my way not following the rules you set out the rules that said I shouldn't call and I should wait to write to you until my heart wasn't in it anymore. Wait to write to you until I didn't feel anything anymore. You asked for me to be reasonable.



I called and I wrote and I ran because I am a wild and delicious human bean. being. been. I am sad that you see me the way that you see me but I can't really change that not with all the calls or all the emails in the world. not with Yoga not with words not with love. I've tried them all and in the end you will sit over in front of your computer on Ainsworth street and you will read about my love and you will see it through your eyes of anger and there is Nothing I Can Do to change that fact.



Except run and romp free try to be honest and good and true to my own self. True to my own self and sometimes that ends in good-bye. so goodbye N I will miss your sweet face your crazy damaged heart your curious mind your deep and soulful soul.

Posted by: 120pages at 11:07 | link | comments |

living forever

I don't know if I can stand it anymore this waiting. I don't know if I can take more of your quietly angry emails. I don't know if I can stand the stillness the Yoga of it all. I miss running on pavement can't wait for the knee to heal so I can stop the quiet poses and breath of fire and get back to pounding and sweat and the feeling that I'm Getting. Some. Where.

I don't know if I can stand it anymore these long pauses while you ruminate and then come back with more words that I don't understand I can't find myself in those words that are supposedly all about me. I don't know if my new skills my baby therapist skills are up to this. I'm just a grad student who wants to be a therapist give me a break here I just started down this path like I've started down so many others.

OH, I miss talking I want to sit down and talk until you are convinced that what you've said to me is nonsense that's what I like to do talk until the other person's words are covered in mine.


Forgive me if I bust out the shoes and get out there on the road again rain on my head my shoes my face. forgive me if I run on this knee before the months are up I don't know if I can keep waiting it's killing me the waiting. How much Yoga can a girl stand a girl who loves to run even in Bellagio dead of winter our hotel was in a tiny village up and over the hill I ran up and down that hill so many times Italians everywhere looking at me like I'm crazy. crazy american girl smile on her face new balance shoes on her feet oh I love to run. even in new york dirty streets I ran. even in L.A. dirty air I ran.

Forgive me if I pick up the phone and call you and stop this slow process. forgive me if I can't honor the process quote unquote honor the process the way my books are telling me I need to do. I'm just a girl in grad school who will maybe someday be a therapist but right now I want to call you and stop the listening and just say what is up what happened to my friend N. forgive me if I tear down what is slowly being created because I can't stand it can't do it this new way.

If I live forever maybe some day I'll be a little more interested in Tiger Pose and a slow reconciliation. According to this web site that I visited for my class on aging I will probably live to be 98.1 years old which looks like forever from here. If I live forever maybe some day I'll find a way to walk fast and listen slow to breath with you while you breath. to let the space between us talk.

If I live forever.

Posted by: 120pages at 12:06 | link | comments (1) |

hey there

hey there jon stewart glad you got the gig this year our party will be better because you'll be up on stage looking short next to all of those leggy blondes. or is it blonds? hey there N sorry you won't be there sorry you couldn't take my last post sorry tradition is over and a few words about how I feel a few words that reached in and talked about . Actually talked about. the ouch of it the outside inside of it. sorry that we can't find someplace somewhere to meet and sit down and look hard and long and sad and happy and get back to why we first loved each other. and I do love you. hey there friend I wish you would call instead of sending me those emails that I finally just stopped reading. hey there friends we'll have prizes again this year prizes this year. my favorite as always is the game where you try to guess what the host-ess would do were she in charge of the academy. that is my favorite. last year mermaid won of course fifteen years of talking about movies oh I love to talk about movies. fifteen years of course she won. I hated The Notebook. I hated Munich. I loved Syriana. And anything with Kevin Costner in it come on i didn't claim to be consistent. hey there N I was looking forward to fifteen years with you I like to keep my friends. loyal to a fault what the hell does that mean. find me the fault in that. hey there jon stewart glad I can count on you. nice to count on something. hey there. hey.

Posted by: 120pages at 17:53 | link | comments |

truth be told

birthday tradition three years running: N & the professor and I drink, laugh, bum cigarettes from the chef, huddle outside to smoke don't care that we're getting older which of us will have babies first, or last or never, we go out on into the world as a threesome the professor always drives even on her birthday, husbands make us crazy, and then there's the career.  Winter tradition all of our birthdays are in the winter scorpio, capricorn, aquarius we three.

I am odd man out in this group, never mind that too much sit back and watch them agree on most everything. 

Never do I mind it too much even last year which was a seminal year if such a thing exists - turned 35 and normally I don't care about numbers - numbers mean nothing but last year found me in a crisis of paths and love and I put on a jacket and tie ben's pale blue tie matches my eyes you know I looked quite sassy for the celebration my celebration but the night fizzled into N telling me I'm cold and perhaps manly how could a woman feel that way about sex like it's just an event something fun there for the taking.  how could a woman not want babies married to Ben and not want his babies.  how could a woman orgasm just thinking about ben's touch on my arm or some days anyone's touch on my arm not that I want that but it is a physiological fact of life. 

How can you be you and not us?  was it the tie I wonder or my relationship with the truth me and truth Strutting out there.  Me and th truth odering my drink back then it was still tequila and coke bit of lime squeezed in.  

this year I might skip that scene go out to PIX with ben drink Pernod lap up the Parisian vibe.  start a new tradition. 

or maybe I'll dress up go out with the girls like always and there I will be again surprised to find myself one next to two.  deliciously odd like the blue cheese truffles at Pix that no one else liked they melt like butter such a shocking combination I can't get enough. 

 yes I guess I never do mind it too much.  truth be told.

 

 

Posted by: 120pages at 09:49 | link | comments (6) |