here today

 

mama bear.

they sent my mom home from the hospital today with nothing. no whys no wheres, no how can we be sure this won't happen again tonight or tomorrow or next week or someday when my dad is not awake enough to call for help.


they sent my mom home which is good news, of course. it is good news that she is no longer hooked up to machines that moniter the beat beat beat of her. but I want all of the answers and I am far away in spirit and in body and I want to see her and hug her and know that her heart will keep up the fight for as long as I need that to be true.


aeei.

Posted by: 120pages at 01:54 | link | comments (4) |

running tests.

what a day what a day what an evening what a night. I am here in my sort of dorm room at school - it used to be a monastary so on school weekends we all stay for three nights in our rooms. Our non-monastic wi-fi filled rooms.



this morning I flew down from portland - stopped in los angeles airport.



los angeles airport and a call that mom, my mom who was born with a defective heart and who is so tough the scary one the one who always scared me - but also so fragile with her heart murmer and open heart surgery at 13, again at 20 and my whole life I've thought that she will someday die. los angeles airport call from my sister to say that mom fell three times last night just fell and couldn't remember why the falling woke up on the floor went back to bed finally dad call 911 in the morning. they are running tests my sister said. tests. they have her in the ICU and they are running tests and suddenly I'm a little kid in my head I'm a little kid even though I sound like a mini-therapist already talking to my sister in a calm therapist voice but inside I'm a little kid thinking she's going to die this is it she will die.



she will not die. not today or tomorrow. not from this which is probably just an infection that got her out of whack because she goes easily to the land of too low blood pressure so a little dopamine a batch of antibiotics and voila she will probably be home soon



though they are running a few tests just to rule things out.



today was about systems. we discussed family systems and relationship systems so
of course I'm trying to figure out what my undiscussed contracts might be. I'm trying to figure out what my place is in the triangles. and I'm doing this with a migraine and I've had one each weekend since I started this program in October. each time I come here to this school of depth of Jung of process, my head takes me away with the pain and I can't feel, can't think.



I'm ready when I return to tackle the migraines. I've tried so many things and the so many things work for awhile and now, now, I want to get to the beginning of it. I want to know why they started when I was five
years old. what family battles was I internalizing? who was I saving?



I want to look at the system. my internal system that sends signals to my shoulders, my head my heart I can't breathe and it hurts. My external system though one could argue that it's internal, too - but my external system of family and friends and husband. starting with family, though. begin with the beginning.



and I want my mom's heart to heal.

Posted by: 120pages at 22:21 | link | comments (1) |

initiations

I keep trying to post in my blog I’ve tried three times in the past month but they all get deleted in some odd fashion deleted.



Today I am wisely writing things out elsewhere first but I am missing the immediacy of the blog post paragraph too lazy to learn how to edit them properly they run on endlessly never ending piles of words.



Speaking of piles of words this weekend I wrote two ten page papers. One was about initiations and my initiation was three weeks ago performing my spoken word poem about the G-spot in front of my classmates after two presentations which included my paintings and an admission or five of various inadequacies, failures, fears. It was an initiatory weekend all right voice shaking I did two presentations my audience all extraverted performing arts types eyes on me, my psyche bared. Since then I’ve been ah, aei, oh, a little shaky. A little out in the open feeling. Yes, yes, exposed.



Be thee

Free to experience

Glee



Whee as in fireworks, birthday cake, all the drugs I’d ever take

rolled up into

Orgy



She as in One

He as in sure you can join in the fun but

let Her show you how it’s done, See



Chi it’s gotta be good for the chi.



Nee as in the knights who say Nee

that scene is orgasmic don’t you agree



Pee in your pants funny



Speaking of pants there’s the V of me

The plea of me and the

We of you and I together

finding the A, B, C, G of me



G. spot.

Posted by: 120pages at 10:41 | link | comments (3) |