here today

 

pumpkin pie tots

babies so many plump pink-cheeked morsals of baby-ness. babies all around I am visiting a new one tonight lola jane is that not the best name. babies ben wants one he wants to attach one to a jogger stroller and get stopped by strangers who will exclaim over the cuteness that we he & I produced. babies ben wants one just so he can name him or her after one of his french ancestors or maybe he is sweetness itself and knows as I do how beautiful his dad-ness would be for that lucky bundle. babies I thought for so long there would not be one for me but I keep buying tops with extra room in the tummy and drifting off mid-sentence remembering sweet little 2 year old Charlotte giving me the sign for thank you last night when I visited the professor on bed rest and due again in a week. a little pumpkin pie aquarian tot entering the world soon. hooray.

Posted by: 120pages at 16:55 | link | comments (3) |

round 2

so excited and proud of 2 posts in one month, one week, within a few days of each other what is the world coming to, you ask.

what is the world coming to when there are two posts back to back. The world is coming to a place wherein my dream begins like this: My ex-husband and I sit next to each other on a bench outside The Pig'N'Pancake and I turn to him & say "I had no idea that would be the deal-breaker". He laughs, puts his arm around me. "I had to tell Edie that five times before she would believe me".

I do not know what this means, this dream of the Pig'N'Pancake, Martin with his arm around me, a deal-breaker and who is Edie?

I googled him, googled Martin and found his name on a blog page by a man named John who listed Belle Waring on his blogroll. Not a regular type name Belle Waring not your normal Smith or Joe or Adams and so I clicked on the link of the name of my first roommate in college almost twenty years ago. My first roommate who disappeared from my life sophomore year but before that she introduced me to the Hamptons and drugs I'd never heard of and music that surprised me and Belle could make me laugh she graduated with a Straight A Average went on to Berkeley and now I find her on a blogroll. On the internet. While searching out my ex-husband and there is Belle living in Singapore married to Martin's boyhood friend and my world swirls to a stop six degrees of me.

and who is Edie, I still wonder.

Martin's movie is playing at Sundance the blog says which will make him happy that Martin always was ambitious one of the things I loved most about him was his Drive. I asked him once about his new girl back when we used to talk to each other back before I told him I did not want to meet him for dinner and pretend that we were friends. I asked him about her and she said the difference between you is that she understands success. I really just meant to find out how she was doing in a general kind of way I was not looking for an out and out comparison between the new and the old or a snapshot into how he looks at things that Martin, the way that he sizes up people puts them in catagories defined by who they know and who knows of them.

Posted by: 120pages at 16:06 | link | comments (6) |

well hello my bla-hog.

hello my blog I've been avoiding you.

so here is a little something - my last presentation for school. I began by playing the intRo to "Time" by Pink Floyd and ended with Paul Simon's "Bookends". Hooray for iPods & speakers - a traveling sound system.

My hands shook, my voice shook. My thesis is on StageFright so I'm giving myself material each time I speak in front of a group. Here it is:

Lately, since I got fired from my traineeship, I’ve had some extra time on my hands.

Some of my friends think I should talk about the incident in a different way – I should reframe it

but the actual language used was - I’ve decided to TERMINATE you

And that sounds as if it might affect me in a more permanent way than just a firing – might refer to my status on this planet rather than just mean that I no longer have to attend those weekly supervision meetings the first of which had the opening line

"I’ve discovered that everyone is a liar now who wants to talk about their client"

Not that getting fired was easy for me straight A student employee of the year I nearly fainted

lately since I got fired from my traineeship I’ve had some extra time on my hands. Time on my hands is a funny phrase to use

I chose it carefully or it chose me after years of being carried around wearing a TIN circle in my back pocket like some of those wild boys in high school with their chew cans.

Time on my hands sounds like something that should be cleaned off like lady Macbeth there is guilt involved surely I should make a list check things off get them done one by one and then I could call it Good Time Management and possibly get a raise from God

Lately since getting fired from my traineeship I’ve had some extra time on my hands and I can’t tell you what I’ve done with it but I’ve got lists that would show you what I haven’t done including re-wiring the Art Deco light fixture I bought on ebay and learning to speak Italian two things that I wrote down in a fit of self-recrimation that termination day because after all-

Time’s a Wasting and Time is Money.

There is guilt here and it must be assuaged or at least worked off the worst of my Protestant roots and my new Catholic ones intermingling on pieces of paper scattered around the house and instead of attending to the lists I find myself up in the bedroom looking out at the hills drawing clocks. ….and I don’t have any conclusions or answers or anything but a few dozen pictures and a phrase turned upside down INSIDE OUT. Time on my hands - Hands on my time

There’s a store near my house in our North Portland neighborhood Our neighborhood which is changing every day every day there is a new wine bar or boutique - even a shop that sells only Salt. But there’s a store near my house that has been there forever and inside the store Time Stands Still the woman behind the counter eats onion sandwiches and says

Welcome to Sunlan How Can I Light Up Your World today?

They only sell lightbulbs there fluorescents incandescents 15 watt 40 watt 200 watt strings of porcelain bulbs that you can’t find anywhere else and it’s Ben’s favorite shop the ones he likes are called Edisons and you can see the filaments inside when they’re on.

He took me there and I went there with him and on our way out he said to me I’m so glad you got fired and I said you mean terminated.

Last week talking to my therapist on the phone there was an accident on the freeway and I couldn’t make it to her office so I pulled off the road sat in my car hubcap missing and dents in it things that weren’t true when my gran was its steward

and my therapist asked me if I was in the moment she likes to ask me that and this time when she asked me I said yes

YES. I am sitting next to a wall of ivy in the rain in the burgundy interior of my grandmother’s buick talking to you on the phone that recently recovered from an incident involving the washing machine so I sound like I’m underwater

I am in the moment I said and I HATE it because there are dents in my car and my phone is broken and Ben bought a twenty dollar lightbulb and I love it because the rain on the ivy is creating a green waterfall and my gloves are pink and there is a woman who says How Can I Light up your world today every time I go in her store.

I will remember that I said and I will remember THIS

I’m doing nothing that is on any list and I missed my appointment with you I was not there in your office at the proper time but I am right now part of what will be a memory and it will HURT this memory of a beat up car, an imperfect life but it will also bring me.

Green ivy waterfall

pink glove

Joy.

Posted by: 120pages at 10:46 | link | comments (3) |