here today

 

good-bye therapist

Last night I realized that I just didn't have anything left to talk about except being happy.  And we sat there for awhile, my therapist & I, smiling at each other.  I met her in February and it feels like we've been on a long journey together and now we've landed.   

She suggested we say good-bye and put a nice ending on our work together.  I've never said good-bye to anyone in that way.  When I end a relationship, I either just stop calling (preferred method) or I say something mean that I've been storing up for awhile and then they stop calling (all too often).  Then one of us calls the other one in six months - drunk in the middle of the night and yells or cries.

So, she showed me one last thing - this therapist who has changed my life - she showed me how to say good-bye.  (Turns out it can be done with lots of jokes --- ).  Then she played a song she improvised for me on her viola (it was very sad, then peaceful then oh-so-happy) and we both cried and hugged and that was it.   Jokes and sentiment.  Nice. 

um, so, obviously, I love her.  How sweetly brave to stand in front of a client and take your shoes off and play a song that you're making up there on the spot? 

Have had other therapists - but I always left town in the middle of things or quit after a few sessions.   My record was 6 minutes - she kept asking me how it made me feel that she forgot about our appointment --- while looking at her watch.  I bawled, handed her a check and left - crying all the way home.  Apparently it made me feel real bad. 

My childhood therapist was hired by my parents.  He went to our church.  Mostly, I drew pictures of happy families until the time was up.  See, everything's fine, Dr. Price.  Don't talk to my mom. 

My L.A. therapist charged a million dollars an hour and wore a bowtie.  I liked him but when I found out he had incurable cancer I stopped calling.  I just felt too uncomfortable talking about my anxiety with him dying.  Every time he shifted in his chair I'd think OH MY GOD I am selfish and weak and bad - and alive! Living!!  What kind of problems could I possibly have?

My NYC therapist forgot me in between appointments.  She'd look confused each week until I said my name so I just started making stuff up to entertain myself.  Not really a path to healing.

And so here I am today.  Done.  Finis. 

Cured? 

 

Posted by: 120pages at 12:09 | link | comments (1) |