here today

 

risk

the older I get, and today, sitting at my desk at the insurance agency, I feel old.  The older I get, the lower my tolerance for risk.  this seems an obvious statement.  of course I am more risk-averse.  there is more to lose, more at stake.  the husband, the dog, the house, the job, the life I've made here slowly bit by bit. 

but actually, as I'm writing this, I don't think that's it.  I think the real difference is that I'm not willing to give up what I've got for dumb stuff, for stupid risks.  for example, buying dime bags on the streets.  of New York.  or worse, acid.  Boy, was that stupid.  (and it made my jaws hurt for about a week).  or making that u-turn in front of a cop at a red light.  or scanning in parking permits and printing my own.   Dumb, dumb, dumb.  What I got in return was so little - a short high, a good story for the other kids in traffic school, avoiding lines at the DMV.

when I think about risk now, I think about big risk and big return.  Not dumb risk and little return. 

that's why I've decided to direct my next script.  Risk everything in the hopes that I will get everything.  Or get on my way to everything.  I am done hiding behind bravado and the sentence "I'm fine if I never make it anywhere - this is what I want and I've got it already".  The truth is, I'm happy with so much of my life.  The truth also is, I want so much more.

So, ya. Hoo.  I'm making a movie.

Posted by: 120pages at 09:20 | link | comments (2) |