here today

 

living forever

I don't know if I can stand it anymore this waiting. I don't know if I can take more of your quietly angry emails. I don't know if I can stand the stillness the Yoga of it all. I miss running on pavement can't wait for the knee to heal so I can stop the quiet poses and breath of fire and get back to pounding and sweat and the feeling that I'm Getting. Some. Where.

I don't know if I can stand it anymore these long pauses while you ruminate and then come back with more words that I don't understand I can't find myself in those words that are supposedly all about me. I don't know if my new skills my baby therapist skills are up to this. I'm just a grad student who wants to be a therapist give me a break here I just started down this path like I've started down so many others.

OH, I miss talking I want to sit down and talk until you are convinced that what you've said to me is nonsense that's what I like to do talk until the other person's words are covered in mine.


Forgive me if I bust out the shoes and get out there on the road again rain on my head my shoes my face. forgive me if I run on this knee before the months are up I don't know if I can keep waiting it's killing me the waiting. How much Yoga can a girl stand a girl who loves to run even in Bellagio dead of winter our hotel was in a tiny village up and over the hill I ran up and down that hill so many times Italians everywhere looking at me like I'm crazy. crazy american girl smile on her face new balance shoes on her feet oh I love to run. even in new york dirty streets I ran. even in L.A. dirty air I ran.

Forgive me if I pick up the phone and call you and stop this slow process. forgive me if I can't honor the process quote unquote honor the process the way my books are telling me I need to do. I'm just a girl in grad school who will maybe someday be a therapist but right now I want to call you and stop the listening and just say what is up what happened to my friend N. forgive me if I tear down what is slowly being created because I can't stand it can't do it this new way.

If I live forever maybe some day I'll be a little more interested in Tiger Pose and a slow reconciliation. According to this web site that I visited for my class on aging I will probably live to be 98.1 years old which looks like forever from here. If I live forever maybe some day I'll find a way to walk fast and listen slow to breath with you while you breath. to let the space between us talk.

If I live forever.

Posted by: 120pages at 12:06 | link | comments (1) |